Cyberbug speaks: A question about home pages

This was in answer to a question asked on my fraternity mailing list back in 1994, when the Web was young and nerds ruled the lands. Over the years it's taken on a sort of nastalgic geek charm of it's own.
"For those of us who struggle each day on our 386 machines, what are these damned home pages that everyone is spoojing over? If you didn't have one before, is it clear that you need one now?"

Need? Need? Of course we need one. I need my home page. I need my Mosaic. I need my network-ready multimedia information superhighway turbobus and I need it now! I need my audiovisualtactile sensation WHEN I want it, WHERE I want it, and for a price I can afford! I need to surf the datawaves, plunge into the infoocean and not come up for air till I reach the other side with Bob Dole's social security number between my teeth! I NEED my MTV, my Coke in the morning, my Customizable CabbagepatchsupertransformerGIJoe doll as seen in WiReD Fetishes! I NEED SEX!

And I don't just need it now and then -- I need it ALWAYS and EVERYWHERE! I need my portable 2.2 lb supercharged pockettop risc processor with optional collapsible 22" hi-rez LCD full-color monitor and CD-ROM Docking Station! I need to play Myst in the Boston Commons and DOOM in the Callahan tunnel! I need my Archie just to find my car keys!

I NEED my *130* digit RSA PGP IDEA cypherpunk encrypter just to keep Warlord and JR Bob Dobbs from cracking my xenophobic technopagan cybersex rituals and posting it all over! I need my M-x doctor just to get out of bed in the morning; I get the shakes without my total-immersion VR Zippie music by noon! I need my MS-Word 6.0 Expert System Grammar checker that knows nerd's spelled GNUrd on the East coast and Knurd on the West! I NEED Mitch Kapor playing on internet talk radio to get to sleep -- I get Dorothy Denning through a goddamn I.V. tube! Next week I go in for surgery to get my belly-button replaced with a FIBER OPTIC HOOKUP!

I need it ALL, I need it NOW! I need ALL your bandwidth -- signal and noise! I need to be stimulated, moved, and brought to new heights of orgasm in the comfort of my own living room! Fractilize me, simulate me, upload me and throw away the key -- I'm o-o on this world and surfing on out!

-- Cyberbug, Church of High Bandwidth --