DocBug Exclusive — For months now, Archbishop Raymond Burke of St. Louis and other conservative Catholics have been emphasizing to their flocks that when it comes to politics, you can’t vote for a pro-choice candidate and still be a good Catholic. While not mentioning either presidential candidate by name (which might put the church’s tax-exempt status into question), Burke’s message is clear: vote Bush in this election, or your soul is at risk. He might be surprised to know a similar message is being preached across town, from a very different source.
Reverend Bob “The Impailer” Simmons is pastor and High Lieutenant Destroyer at the First Temple of Ultimate Evil, which formed in 1983 after a merger between Anton Levey Satanists, the Campus Crusade for Cthulu and the Church of Universal Damnation. The church is dedicated to the promotion of death, destruction, and “all that is evil, corrupt, and immoral in the hearts of men,” according to their website and flyers. Rev. Simmons says he was somewhat embarrassed when he discovered he and Archbishop Burke were supporting the same candidate in their sermons. “At first I thought it was a joke,” he said in a recent interview for Evil Monthly. “I mean, [Archbishop] Ray [Burke] and I rarely see eye-to-eye on religious matters.”
Rev. Simmons, who claims he can’t set foot on holy ground due to “the vibrations,” had to wait several days before a transcript of Archbishop Burke’s statement was faxed to his office. “Our first mass after the news broke was tense, to say the least. The Leveyists were especially up in arms,” he recalls. “It just sticks in their craw to have anything in common with the Catholic Church.” There were also reports that some of the Old Ones threatened to eat Simmons’ head, though he claims this is normal.
After going over the transcript, most in the congregation were mollified if not comforted. “It was just a big misunderstanding,” explains Simmons. “We were looking at completely different issues. Ray is something of a one-issue do-gooder; if it’s not about abortion, he doesn’t care. We UEs look more at the big picture — you need a broad brush to paint the world black. For example, our congregation is very excited about the Federal death penalty and the message it sends about the sanctity of death, and this administration’s stance on the use of torture and ignoring the Geneva conventions are right in line with our core doctrine.” Simmons admits he shares Burke’s support for Bush’s anti-gay-marriage amendment, but is quick to point out his position is a natural outgrowth from his broader opposition to equal rights for all Americans. “That and gays give me the willies,” he told reporters. As for abortion, he says the UE favors neither candidate’s position, as UE church teachings say that life begins at 40.
In spite of these differences, some of the faithless are still concerned. “I was a big Bush supporter in 2000,” says Monica “Queen of the Night” Townsend, a long-time Republican and UE member, who still sports a Bush-Cheney 2004 button painted black and red to go with her eye shadow and long razor-like fingernails. “I’ll probably still vote for them, ’cause of their hate-based initiatives and the war in Iraq and Kerry being Catholic and all, but this Burke thing really took all the fun out of being a Bush supporter, y’know?” John Templeton, her companion with matching black eye shadow and long red fingernails, flashes a toothy grimace as he nods in agreement. “I think it’s great great the way he antagonizes the rest of the world with his Us vs. Them attitude, and I love the opaqueness he’s put back in the way our government runs. But now… I donno, come November 2nd I might just vote for Nader.”